Saturday, December 21, 2013

A Love Letter

Dear SLC,

It has been fun, thank you so much for all that you have blah blah.
I had to throw away a lot of my stuff.
Even after I threw away a lot of my stuff,
I still had three bags full of stuff
that I carried to the train station,
and it felt like a lot.

I went to a seminar where a businesswoman showed us a graph about how she expected her life to proceed. It looked like this:
And then she showed us a second graph about how her life actually ended up working out. 

So I decided to draw a graph of how my own life trajectory looks. 

Just bein' me. 

This semester I messed up. I stopped going to class, I stopped doing work, and I had multiple breakdowns throughout the year. My favorite of the breakdowns was when I called my sister in the middle of the night on a Wednesday and declared I was selling everything and moving to Canada. I cried a lot, I yelled a lot, and we concluded that Canada definitely had more hope and opportunity than my current college pursuits. 

Then, later that night, in a moment of self-reflection, I realized that something was really, really wrong if I was considering CANADA as my way out of pain and suffering. Canada? Are you serious? 

I talked to my don, I talked to my professors, I talked to my friends, and no one seemed to be able to make a convincing argument for one way or the other. No one's advice resonated, and I went into a phase where every other day I had a different plan. One day, I was leaving, the next, I was staying. I tried making a pros and cons list but I am very good at making balanced pros and cons lists so I didn't reach any conclusions.

Then I got the bill for next semester's tuition and I thought: "Okay, it is WAY too expensive to have this existential dilemma here at a private liberal-arts college. I could do this over washing dishes."

So that's what I am planning to do. 

And my decision has raised a lot of eyebrows. The majority of people gave me a sympathetic "Aww, we'll miss you, SLC won't be the same without you, yes you're right, sometimes you need time away," and this makes me angrier more than anything because I feel like I should be getting a f***ing round of applause for finally getting the balls to leave. I had no business staying in school and I wish someone had punched me in the face and yelled "WAKE UP YOU ARE UNHAPPY THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE."

So I am in a critical transitory phase. I have no answers. I only have funny stories about looking for answers in all the wrong places.

All I am sure of is that I want to eat my third Babybel cheese wheel NOW. 
So shall it be written.
So shall it be done. 
Once you get past the wax it really is quite delightful.


  1. Connor,
    I really wish only the best for you. Remember how big the universe is.


  2. Shit happens, dude. Stay strong. I have my moments here in Santa Barbara as well. But for real, do whatever YOU think is best. Come visit me sometime.
    Love always,

    P.S. I can't wait to hear stories from Starbucks. I know all too well.