Saturday, December 21, 2013

A Love Letter

Dear SLC,

It has been fun, thank you so much for all that you have blah blah.
I had to throw away a lot of my stuff.
Even after I threw away a lot of my stuff,
I still had three bags full of stuff
that I carried to the train station,
and it felt like a lot.

I went to a seminar where a businesswoman showed us a graph about how she expected her life to proceed. It looked like this:
And then she showed us a second graph about how her life actually ended up working out. 


So I decided to draw a graph of how my own life trajectory looks. 

Just bein' me. 

This semester I messed up. I stopped going to class, I stopped doing work, and I had multiple breakdowns throughout the year. My favorite of the breakdowns was when I called my sister in the middle of the night on a Wednesday and declared I was selling everything and moving to Canada. I cried a lot, I yelled a lot, and we concluded that Canada definitely had more hope and opportunity than my current college pursuits. 

Then, later that night, in a moment of self-reflection, I realized that something was really, really wrong if I was considering CANADA as my way out of pain and suffering. Canada? Are you serious? 

I talked to my don, I talked to my professors, I talked to my friends, and no one seemed to be able to make a convincing argument for one way or the other. No one's advice resonated, and I went into a phase where every other day I had a different plan. One day, I was leaving, the next, I was staying. I tried making a pros and cons list but I am very good at making balanced pros and cons lists so I didn't reach any conclusions.

Then I got the bill for next semester's tuition and I thought: "Okay, it is WAY too expensive to have this existential dilemma here at a private liberal-arts college. I could do this over washing dishes."

So that's what I am planning to do. 

And my decision has raised a lot of eyebrows. The majority of people gave me a sympathetic "Aww, we'll miss you, SLC won't be the same without you, yes you're right, sometimes you need time away," and this makes me angrier more than anything because I feel like I should be getting a f***ing round of applause for finally getting the balls to leave. I had no business staying in school and I wish someone had punched me in the face and yelled "WAKE UP YOU ARE UNHAPPY THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE."

So I am in a critical transitory phase. I have no answers. I only have funny stories about looking for answers in all the wrong places.

All I am sure of is that I want to eat my third Babybel cheese wheel NOW. 
So shall it be written.
So shall it be done. 
Once you get past the wax it really is quite delightful.


2 comments:

  1. Connor,
    I really wish only the best for you. Remember how big the universe is.

    Kymberly

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  2. Shit happens, dude. Stay strong. I have my moments here in Santa Barbara as well. But for real, do whatever YOU think is best. Come visit me sometime.
    Love always,
    Chelsey

    P.S. I can't wait to hear stories from Starbucks. I know all too well.

    ReplyDelete