Saturday, December 21, 2013

A Love Letter

Dear SLC,

It has been fun, thank you so much for all that you have blah blah.
I had to throw away a lot of my stuff.
Even after I threw away a lot of my stuff,
I still had three bags full of stuff
that I carried to the train station,
and it felt like a lot.

I went to a seminar where a businesswoman showed us a graph about how she expected her life to proceed. It looked like this:
And then she showed us a second graph about how her life actually ended up working out. 

So I decided to draw a graph of how my own life trajectory looks. 

Just bein' me. 

This semester I messed up. I stopped going to class, I stopped doing work, and I had multiple breakdowns throughout the year. My favorite of the breakdowns was when I called my sister in the middle of the night on a Wednesday and declared I was selling everything and moving to Canada. I cried a lot, I yelled a lot, and we concluded that Canada definitely had more hope and opportunity than my current college pursuits. 

Then, later that night, in a moment of self-reflection, I realized that something was really, really wrong if I was considering CANADA as my way out of pain and suffering. Canada? Are you serious? 

I talked to my don, I talked to my professors, I talked to my friends, and no one seemed to be able to make a convincing argument for one way or the other. No one's advice resonated, and I went into a phase where every other day I had a different plan. One day, I was leaving, the next, I was staying. I tried making a pros and cons list but I am very good at making balanced pros and cons lists so I didn't reach any conclusions.

Then I got the bill for next semester's tuition and I thought: "Okay, it is WAY too expensive to have this existential dilemma here at a private liberal-arts college. I could do this over washing dishes."

So that's what I am planning to do. 

And my decision has raised a lot of eyebrows. The majority of people gave me a sympathetic "Aww, we'll miss you, SLC won't be the same without you, yes you're right, sometimes you need time away," and this makes me angrier more than anything because I feel like I should be getting a f***ing round of applause for finally getting the balls to leave. I had no business staying in school and I wish someone had punched me in the face and yelled "WAKE UP YOU ARE UNHAPPY THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE."

So I am in a critical transitory phase. I have no answers. I only have funny stories about looking for answers in all the wrong places.

All I am sure of is that I want to eat my third Babybel cheese wheel NOW. 
So shall it be written.
So shall it be done. 
Once you get past the wax it really is quite delightful.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Why I Haven't Blogged

Hello friends. It's been a while.

As you may have noticed, I haven't blogged in half a year. Here's the scoop: I haven't been feeling so hot. I have been working on my classwork, reading, writing, and honestly what is there to blog about? Very very little. Most of my blog posts would look something like this:
Today I worked. I ate. I slept. I made a friend. I lost a friend. I am tired. 
A lot of my journal entries look like this. It is disheartening, and I wouldn't wish upon the world to read such things.

More such things I wouldn't wish upon the world to read.

I want to have adventures every day, but now I have so much on my plate that it is simply not possible to have such adventures. All of the things that seemed novel and fun are no longer novel or fun. I am in a routine of hard ass work, that has recently come to bite me in the ass.

I am burnt out. A little bit. I am not ashamed of it, but it really sucks.

Thus, I decided to make a list of things that have made me feel alive this semester. It will be short list.

1) Vegan Cooking 
I am not a vegan, and I have no plans on becoming a vegan. But under my college meal plan I only get lunch and dinner Monday through Friday, which means on weekends I am either making my own food or going to Chipotle (sometimes if I am really lazy and low I will try to recede into hibernation and not wake until Monday. This never works).

I cooked a couple times on my own, and though it was delicious, it was lonely. Then, I met KaleBoy. KaleBoy is from LA and is an adamant vegan who cooks prolifically. He also has a heart the size of LA itself (an odd metaphor, but I'm gonna roll with it) which means he constantly invites me over for dinner. We drink tea, eat vegan cuisine, and do homework, and it has been one of the highlights of my semester.

The food is often scrumptious, and I am very grateful for it. I help buy groceries now and from time to time I will wash dishes. It's a symbiotic relationship. However, there are some things that will never stop to bug me, like the phrase "vegan cheese". Whenever KaleBoy uses vegan cheese, I have a mild aneurysm because I find it to be one of the stupidest phrases in the English language. I do not object to the taste or the product itself. I just object that it is called "vegan cheese" and that someone had the gall to invent such a thing.

Call me traditional, but cheese is f**king cheese, and you should call everything else "soy shreds" or something stupid, because that would be more fitting and I'd be more likely to eat it.

NOTE: Veganism is kind of cool. I am not aware of the ethics or the science behind it, but it seems to work just fine for the KaleBoy and his friends. We have huge feasts, filling meals, and it's great. I mention this only because I told my dad that I eat vegan sometimes on the weekends and he freaks out. "WHY?!" he asked. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" as if I had told him that I simply reabsorb my feces into my body [some people do that, and power to them, but it's not for me. I am pretty sure my dad told me about this, if that matters]. Veganism is fine, dad. It's not for me, but it's totally fine.

2) "All-Star" by Smash Mouth  
I would say about 5 days a week I listen to "All Star" by Smash Mouth on my way to school. It never gets old, and it makes getting up in the morning way more pleasant than it actually is. If you see me in the morning and I acknowledge that you exist, it is because somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me.

3) Swing Dance Club 
For the first half of the semester, I was part of Swing Dance Club. Every Saturday at 6:00pm about a dozen students got together and practiced swing dance moves, and no matter how shitty I felt that day, swing dance managed to turn my mood around 180 degrees, without fail. Unfortunately, when the semester started turning sour for me, I stopped going and the club kind of died. BUT this Friday I managed to put together a Holiday Swing Event on campus, and I am very excited for it. 

Granted, there are a lot more highlights of my semester, but these have been the most consistent, and the ones that brightened my day the most.

I will try to blog more. You will probably hear more from me over Christmas Break when I am getting into shenanigans with my P-Town homies. But for now, I'm going to put in my headphones, and hunker down for the next two weeks of homework.