|Allergies. Even when you look good.|
Seattle and I are in Hill House, waiting for security to come over because Seattle locked his keys and his wallet inside his room, and he will be needing his keys and ID later tonight when Spring Formal ends. So, to pass the time, we tell each other anti-jokes.
I am in the Pub and sad. Mercury works in the Pub, so he and I sit and chat while I drink water and try and figure out how not to be sad. All of my friends are out getting drunk, and I decide that it wouldn't be a good idea to join them because it would just make me sadder. So, instead, I eat crackers with Mercury and we talk about all the girl problems I've had throughout the school year.
Chicago's room. Chicago has a big red chair that I've never seen before.
"Is this new?"
"Yeah! They were getting rid of it at Heimbold. So I carried it on my head to my room. It's a loveseat."
"No, that's what it's called. It's a loveseat."
Chicago is playing 80's music to get himself in the zone for the 80's themed Spring Formal. I am not digging it.
"Can we put on some rap? Is there any eighties rap?"
Chicago googles "80s rap music" and we listen.
"Wow. This sucks."
We listen to contemporary rap music instead and get pumped.
I am under the tent on the North Lawn. There is a DJ and flashing lights. I make my rounds and say hello to everyone I know. Chicago says "Look, no one's into it yet," pointing to the dance floor, "c'mon, let's be the first ones to get into it." I take off my blazer, put it on a chair, walk to the dance floor, decide that I am self-conscious of my forearms, get my blazer, and go back to the dance floor.
The rest of the night
I didn't want to be sad. I took extra precautions not to be sad tonight. I went to the gym and swam for thirty minutes and did push ups to get endorphins and a little extra positive body-image. But on the dance floor, I was dancing and every time I saw an attractive girl I hid immediately.
I read a quote once, "There is nothing uglier than a fearful man."
Tonight, I decided to be the ugly man. And it turned out to be an excellent decision.
In general, I push myself to be as courageous as possible. I notice when I am afraid of something, and then push myself to do it. Last week, I introduced myself to someone new. Cold. And it was terrifying. In acting class, my professor is always pushing us to step out of our comfort zones, which has resulted in me kissing some of my classmates during scenes. It's emotionally exhausting.
I had a lot of opportunities to be courageous tonight, and for the sake of my mental health, I opted not too.
For most of the night I danced alone. Whenever I felt uncomfortable, I closed my eyes. I danced with some girls but once I started second guessing myself I immediately left and wove myself to a different part of the dance floor.
There were great moments. Swing dancing with Arizona, wylin' out to rap music (FINALLY [it was contemporary]) with Virginia.
However, the best moment for me was pretending I was dancing with someone when I wasn't. I was an excellent lead.
After the formal, I went into the Pub and there was a kid passed out in one of the booths. Security came and woke him up and had him go through some basic coherency tests to make sure he didn't need to go to the hospital. My friend Bronx and I watched from a different booth.
Bronx: "I can't believe what I'm seeing right now. He is a mess."
(the kid mumbled to the security guard "I know, I know... I know this tie is a little crooked...")
Bronx looked at me.
Bronx: "Why are you here?"
Me: "You know I enjoy your company."
Bronx: "Mmmhmm. I remember the first time I asked you for an ass grab."
Bronx is gay, and a good portion of our conversations are about how he wishes I was too.
Me: "Why do I continue hanging out with you? It's just sexual harassment. All the time."
Bronx: "You like it. You keep coming back because you like getting compliments from me."
Me: "This is true. But I guess that's why we're great friends. It's because we're not afraid to be real with each other."
Bronx: "I just want sex."
Me: "You're the best."
We hugged and I walked back to my room. The security guards wrote the kid a ticket, and he wobbled away with his girlfriend.
All in all, I was a coward tonight, and I embraced it. I'll be courageous on Monday or something.