Thursday, March 22, 2012

Final Day of Our Road Trip

The last day of our road trip was one of the most memorable. I woke up at around 7:30am and read The Hunger Games on the front porch with Quincy's dad as he read his own book and smoked his morning cigar. Quincy's mom bought doughnuts and I got the first pick because none of the other guys were awake. Score? Yes.

Everyone else woke up around 11:00am, and once we were fully dressed and showered, we went to the beach to have a freaking cookout. Quincy brought a grill, burgers, sausages, buns. fruit and pasta salads, chips, brownies, and so much more. We played frisbee, shirtless in the sun while she cooked for us, and when the food was ready we feasted like champions. The sky was blue, the company was fantastic, and the food was possibly the best we've had in months.

Once we finished eating, we dropped Quincy and her cooking materials back at her house, thanked her and her family endlessly, and then began our journey home.

"It should take less than four hours." said PK as he backed out of the driveway.

Two hours later we were lost.

"We're supposed to be heading south right? There's the sun. So that's west, so we're sort of heading where we want to go, right?"
"But we should be on a freeway right now."
"Should we ask for directions?"
"NO. We're men. We never ask for directions. And we never ask for help when carrying furniture, even if we do not 'have it'".

We stopped in Randolph, a town that shall always live in infamy. It turns our that we drove in a circle, and now, after two hours of driving, we were two miles away from Quincy, where we started.
"HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?" said PK incredulously.
We went to the Randolph CVS to get drinks to improve morale. I had been eating brownies for a couple of hours and was craving milk, so I bought myself a "Milk Chug", which I was very excited about.


"MILK!" I said, showing PK.
"That's fine, Connor. Just don't spill it in the car."
"Man, I will not spill ANY of it. I am going to drink every last drop. I've been eating brownies. I need this."
We had not even left Randolph before we hit a bump and I spilled pretty much half of the bottle on my lap.
"What is it?"
"I spilled the milk."
"You have got to be kidding me. The one thing we ask you to do Connor."
"Sorry." I began wiping up as much as I could with my sweater.
"How much did you spill?"
"It's ok, he's cleaning it up."said Colgate as I frantically took off my shorts, which were soaking in dairy.
"How much did he spill?"
"Not a lot."
"That doesn't help me."
"Just a little. It's fine."

Soiled shorts, boxer briefs.
Fortunately the sun went down and we didn't have to deal with the milk curdling and stinking up the car (although I am worried for PK's mom, who is currently using the car to make a five hour commute. AAAAA).

We finally found our way back on the road. A three and a half car ride turned into a six-hour trek. On the bright side, we went through most of Seattle's music playlist, but a quarter through it I bumped the screen we went out of sequence.


We decided to name the car Randolph because of all that transpired in this small, Massachusettan town. We  pulled into PK's driveway at 10:30pm, and we unloaded the car immediately, snacked lightly, surfed the internet, showered, and went to bed.

Poughkeepsie (the town) is my new home for the next seven days. The road trip was a success as far as I am concerned. We all had our cathartic moments and we had a much needed break from schoolwork and dense populations of women. This is it. Michael Jackson's, "This Is It".

Colgate urinating as a rest stop. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Day four we had a breakfast of kings. Scrambled eggs, pancakes (banana and chocolate chip), toast, tea, bacon, and more. There is no reason to leave Quincy.

We packed our things and left to spend the day in Boston. At the train station I noticed a high density of angry-looking blonde women, more than I have ever seen in one area before. I was composing a poem about Boston in my head using this information until we boarded the train and I saw a couple neutral-faced Asian men. Boston is diverse.

Check out THIS diversity. 

In Boston we took the Freedom Trail, which is a red line of paint and bricks that leads tourists around to all of the historical landmarks. We saw a couple guys dressed in colonial attire which was exciting until we saw redcoats and wanted to kill them. Quincy was our tour guide, and we walked to where the Boston Massacre occurred and to the "Commons" and such. My favorite stops were the graveyards, where the graves look exactly like Halloween lawn decorations. We spent a lot of time here looking at names and dates ("This one died 1750! WHAAAT? Oh shit, she was 17"). We threw pennies on Paul Revere's headstone, which is apparently a thing. My penny bounced off the grave and landed on someone else's, but I wanted to look cool so I just pretended I didn't notice.

A "Death's Head", rather cute. 
 After the tour we went to Boston University to hang out with a friend of Colgate's. We sat in the grass and watched crew teams row by in the river and shirtless men do push ups.

After chilling in the sun for a while, we went back to the North End (I had to look this up. I don't really know the lingo) to see an improv show. I double-fisted some pizza and some passerby made fun of me ("Is that Ricardo's? Mmmm smells like c***") which made me feel self conscious so I tried throwing away the pizza, but it was one of those garbage cans you have to open with a handle, but I had two pizzas in my hand so I opened it with my elbows and threw away the crusts. There were two guys watching me do this and I left quickly hoping to never to see them again, but they turned out to be the hosts of the comedy show. Grand.

The comedy show was excellent. Five dollars brought us two hours of improv.
"Audience, we need suggestions. What is a job that your grandfather might've had?"
"Slave driver." I say.
"Slave driver." I say a little louder.
"No. Someone else."
This pretty much sums up the evening.

We left Boston at around 11 and went to Sonic back near Quincy. It's a fast food place and apparently the servers are supposed to come out on roller skates, but our server, "$$Lisbeth$$", was too lazy. She walked out our food and later we saw her when her shift ended and she left WITH HER ROLLER SKATES. She does not deserve the dollar signs in her name.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 3 of the Road Trip

Day three of the road trip I woke up at 7:00am to drop Warrior Princess's mom and sister off at school. Colgate went with me to make sure I did not get lost driving the car home, but it did not help. We missed our stop and ended up turning around to try and find it. If Colgate wasn't with me, I would have knelt on the corner of the road and cried.

Once we got back, we went to pick up Quincy at the ferry and then we went to the beach. We frolicked for a couple hours, playing guitars and taking photos and relaxing. We each had a cathartic moment at the beach, and we left at 1:00pm to drop off Warrior Princess at the dentist.

Massage line. 
While she was getting her teeth worked on, we went to Diary Queen. The friends got ice cream and I ordered "A pair of classic dogs."

"A terrier and a greyhound." said PK.

When Warrior Princess got out of the dentist we got her ice cream as well and then began to pack to take the ferry back to the mainland. It was my day for music, and my friends were impressed with my music choices. However, Colgate was slightly upset when songs from Rent came up ("I hate that musical") but I  gather that we are still more or less friends.

The ride to Boston was about two hours. We moved into Quincy's house and her mom made us a DELICIOUS DINNER OF CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE. AND THEN SHE MADE US COFFEE CAKE. AND THEN SHE MADE US BROWNIES. After dinner we broadcasted "The Best Day Ever", my radio show, via webcam from Quincy's couch. We had an average of ten viewers for an hour. We will do this again next week. Afterwards we sat outside around a fire pit and talked about how much we liked or hated camping.

Seattle hates camping. So does Colgate.
We ended the night with going to the beach and looking at the Boston skyline and then watching Monster's Inc. I  am pretty sure I fell asleep before the opening credits had ended.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Road Trip Day 2

Last night went to a party in New Paltz where I was accused of being Japanese. I was telling a story to some friends and to illustrate a point I knelt down on my knees and put my hands behind my head. A blonde girl walks by and looks confused.

"Are you doing kung-fu?"

Seattle, PK, and Colgate found this pretty funny. I pretended to be offended and the girl left, embarrassed.  Who is smooth? THIS GUY.

Getting dressed for the party.
I spent most of the party walking around trolling (definition) people. One guy was playing beer pong and yelled for everyone to be quiet.

"GUYS! GUYS! I need silence. This is the shot. I need to concentrate."

Everyone went quiet and I muttered, "Oh man, I just farted."

Everyone laughed and he got mad and yelled at the wrong people. He still won the game, though, so I don't see why he was tripping so much.

I also tried convincing people that World War Three had started. I looked at my phone and said loudly "OH MAN. We just bombed China. It's the world versus us." The crowd went silent.
"How do you know?" someone asked.
"Obama texted me earlier. And he asked me 'Should I do it?' I didn't know what he was talking about, but I texted him back anyway. Just one word. 'YOLO'."

Later on some creepy old guys tried coming to the party and everyone surrounded them and bullied them out. Later on when we were eating in Pleasantville's* car and we saw one of the guys walking around and bumping into trees. He eventually knocked on our car window and said something incoherent, but we are pretty sure at one point he used the word "behoove" in a sentence, which was impressive.

[*Pleasantville is a good friend of ours who we will reunite with once we return to Poughkeepsie].

The next day I woke up in a small pile of cookie dough. I was not drunk when I fell asleep, it was simply dark and I did not look where I was resting my head. After washing my sweater in the sink, we wished everyone well and hit the road. We used PK's iPod for road jams. Highlights included singing "Spring Awakening" songs at full volume and Ingrid Michaelson's "Be Ok". Tomorrow is my day for music, which I am pretty nervous about. My playlist can make or break this friendship.

Waking up.

Packing up.

Poor man's AC. 

Most of today was driving. We stopped to eat at a Panera (sandwiches and smoothies) and we screamed when we crossed the state line into Massachusetts. At one point we thought we were lost so we pulled over and played catch with a tennis ball until we realized that we weren't lost, the exit we were looking for was the next stop.

Trying to figure out where we were. 
Playing catch.
We took a ferry to Martha's Vineyard and discussed Daniel Radcliffe's claim that children are "drunk little people that follow you around." A couple kids walked by and whined about wanting candy and we all laughed. PK proposed a theory.

"Maybe the younger you are the more drunk you are. That's why we can't walk or talk when we're young. And that's why we don't remember any of it."

We met up with "Warrior Princess" (a self-chosen nickname) at Martha's Vineyard. We stopped at her house, ate at a restaurant, and then walked along the beach until it got cold.

Now we are chilling at her house again watching TV. I am still reading the Hunger Games, and at one point the commercial came on for the movie and PK put his fingers inside of my ears. We have been bragging to anyone who will listen that we have midnight premiere tickets, and most people have been jealous.

Now I need to sleep because for some reason I am waking up at 7:00am to help drop of Warrior Princess's sister at school. I am still confused as to how this happened, but I am just going to roll with it and not ask questions sine they have kindly let me sleep in their home.

BEACH TOMORROW! And hopefully it will be warmer.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Road Trip Day 1

The "before" photo. Left to right, me, Seattle, Colgate, and PK.

So for my first college spring break experience, I am going on a road trip with three fellow Sarah Lawrencian men.

  • Seattle - Red-haired and recently starring in Sarah Lawrence's production of Spring Awakening, if our road trip were to be a horror movie Seattle would be the one who survives. 
  • Poughkeepsie (PK) - The tallest member of our foursome, PK has great hair and even better impromptu monologues. We will be traveling in his car for the duration of the journey, and beginning and ending at his house. In our horror movie, he is the second-to-last person to die, and the audience is really sad about it because he was such a cool guy. 
  • Colgate - Reportedly looks like a "hot, lesbian mom" from certain angles, Colgate is originally from Los Angeles. He is currently starring in SLC's production of "Pippin", and even more currently playing Marvel Ultimate Alliance on PK's Wii. In our horror movie, he is the one who figures out the mystery, but is killed while having sexual intercourse (side-note: these are all based on actual horror-movie archetypes and do not reflect any real experiences). 
  • Me - Originally from Pinole California, I am currently memorizing a monologue for "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" (I didn't even have to audition!). I am really excited about the road trip, and if it were a horror movie I would be the one who sacrifices his life to save the group. 
Hopefully, our road trip will NOT be a horror movie. So far, PK's mom gave us road trip goodie bags (filled with gummy penguins and water bottles with filter caps!) and we are hanging out in his house and having dinner with his family. His little brother, who I will give the pseudonym "Spock", is in the fifth grade yet possibly has more charm than the entirety of the Sarah Lawrence student body. He gave us copies of a play he wrote and we had a dramatic read-through in the living room. It was remarkable. Then he proceeded to fly a toy Starship Enterprise around the house and blew up my face multiple times.

Reading Spock's play. 

Getting into character. 
We officially depart for New Paltz in a couple of hours, but for now we are lounging around drinking Limonata in PK's beautiful, semi-rural home. I am currently reading "The Hunger Games" which I need to finish by next Thursday for the midnight premiere of the movie. Everyone else is playing video games, except for Seattle. 
Preparing for the long road ahead.